Being In Denial

I was chatting with someone the other day and during the conversation, he mentioned that I sounded very distressed during my first year of uni based on my blog posts.

First of all, I really didn't think people read my blog. This whole time, I thought I was just shouting to an empty void which was why some of my posts were extremely raw and... vulnerable? There was almost zero filter to what I wrote here and truthfully, I found solace in that.

However, despite the barely existent filter, I still thought my posts were quite generic as in it didn't carry any hint whatsoever on my mental state. Therefore I was seriously surprised when that friend caught on to those negative feelings I was having when I wrote the posts.

Funny enough, sometime during the last semester, another friend casually shot me a question of whether I was depressed, after seeing how little I ate. It caught me totally off-guard and although I'd internally accepted that I was not in the most optimum mental health, hearing those words in reality was a good slap to my face. True to my somewhat private nature, I had never discussed it with anyone and even until now, I kind of actively avoid talking about it. It took me some time to digest what he said and admitted to myself that yes, my loss of appetite is a problem that needs to be addressed. I have been making conscious efforts to keep track of my appetite and not just eat whenever I feel like it. I still don't eat much, but at least I've been forcing myself to eat my meals.

Those two friends probably had forgotten that they made those observations and mentioned it to me, but it really did get me thinking and forced me to shift my mindset. Sometimes, small exchanges that soon become distant memories leave lasting impacts.

I've since been taking active measures to combat this demon inside me and be more open about myself, especially to those who care. I still fail every now and then, even sometimes life just goes south whenever I feel like getting better as if it's trying to troll me. However I believe it's a good sign that I'm no longer in denial about it. Hopefully it will get better from here.